Scented Candles, Pilates, and Madonna. Ugh…
Everything wrong with the world
What’s up with the scented candles? Every girl’s house I walk into has not one but no short of a dozen strategically placed scented candles ranging from eucalyptus and jasmine to seashore night breeze scents. Now I understand the need to keeping the bathroom a pleasant scent, but the does the closet need it’s own fucking scented candle of autumn leaves and potatoes?! It has the same effect of walking through the Macy’s perfume department. It makes guy want to get out, fast.
Get a hobby. Shopping and pilates don’t count. No guy is impressed by shopping as a hobby. Pilates is what you’re supposed to do to look good. We don’t give a shit about that either. We’re impressed with the ultimate result; but trust me you will never have a conversation with a straight man about shopping. Do something cool that you can talk about. Try surfing, golf, photography, or archery. Something you can talk about that will set you apart from the rest of the bimbo’s at the bar. Guys will respect you for it, and you might even meet a couple guys doing it. My hairdresser is getting her helicopter license. I spent a half an hour talking to her about last time I was in there.
Learn some music besides Madonna. I’ve got no gripe against Madonna, but you won’t catch any guy willing to fuck to Madonna. Guys will be running. Come back at the end of a date, put on an old Rolling Stones album like “Let It Bleed,” and I bet guys will be calling you back. Go around asking 10 guys at the bar for their favorites albums, go home download and listen.
You’re Single for a Reason
Ok, let’s call a spade a spade. Why are you single? Why haven’t you found your dream guy? You’re single for one reason. It’s not luck or fate or the 10 lbs you can never seem to lose. It’s not because all the good guys are taken. If Tom Brady were single, you wouldn’t be with him. It’s not because you can’t afford 7 jeans or a Louis Vitton purse. It’s not because your ass is too small or too big. It’s not because you need to move to San Francisco or Boston or somewhere else where the guys supposedly want to settle down. It’s not because you date assholes or losers (though that’s not helping your cause at all either). It’s not because you don’t go out enough or because you party too much.
It’s because you don’t listen. Or listen to the wrong the people. It’s because you read books like Eat, Love, Pray and watch Gossip Girl or Sex and the City (still?). It’s because you read advice on dating from Vogue or Maire Claire. You buy into crap miracle diets like the South Beach diet or the lemon cleanse. You pay money thinking eHarmony or Match might help. You read advice from Julia Allison or Jezebel.
So listen up. This is going to be the best dating advice you’ve ever heard, from a guy who knows guys and knows a bit about girls. It’s not going to be easy pill to swallow, but you’re going to be surprised how well it works. The best part of it, it’s free. Screw eHarmony and Match. So put down your US Weekly for a couple minutes and be prepared to have your world rocked by Mr. Awesome!